I have been spending way too much time with married men, those modern philosophers of our age. In their defence, I am great company. Also, my bachelorhood makes them simultaneously nostalgic and angry, which makes them excellent drinking buddies.
In return for providing them with a space where they can walk without impaling their feet on toys, where there are no suspicious stains on the couch, and where Disney Junior is not playing on an infinite loop in the background, the married man impart morsels of wisdom to me by way of warnings and advisories.
I received one such kernel of wisdom the other day. I was visited by a former friend, current fulltime husband and— by default— philosopher. He had just staged a jailbreak from his house, on account of it being turned into a frosty dungeon of unspoken aggression by the woman he once claimed to love.
His wife, you see, is an expert in cold war tactics. In the event of a disagreement, she turns into a pillar of unwavering silence. The image of Lot’s wife comes to mind. Either her husband messes up and she gives him a dose of the cold shoulder to sober him up; or she is the one who does something wrong and is keeping mum to forestall a fight. The latter, according to the philosopher, is a strategy she had perfected.
By getting angry at you, she prevents you from being angry at her. Her anger has veto power, so no matter how angry you are, you are forced to back down and cater to her, after which it is pointless to bring up your own issue.
Getting angry at you for being angry at her. A prize-winning tactic.
I could not imagine it. Having been around couples who use name-calling as foreplay, and even some who consider peace and quiet a sign of a dwindling romance, it was very odd indeed.
But it brought to mind an interesting point, and the philosopher helped show me the light (in between clicking his tongue and calling his woman a passive-aggressive cow).
It is crucial to settle down with someone who knows how to argue. If we accept the premise that no relationship is perfect, with the possible exception of the one between Russell Wilson and Ciara, then we also accept that fights and arguments are inevitable.
Who left the toilet seat up? Who is Mike? Why does she have to sleep like she’s being haunted by the ghost of Bruce Lee? Why is there a Tinder profile with his face on it? Cabbage, again?
No matter the scale, a couple is going to fight. The question is, how are they going to do it? I have heard the argument that our personalities determine how we argue. Ergo, the mousy introvert will shy away from throwing words too hard in case he hurts someone. And the aki woiye lady will dissolve into tears the minute someone points a finger at her. But in a real battle, anything goes.
A good couple accepts that there is going to be some friction and leans towards it. They accept that some things are going to be said in the heat of the moment, that voices are going to be raised, and that someone’s mother is going to get dragged through the mud.
The point of a fight is to address a problematic issue. It is a perfect opportunity to throw some shade at your partner, but at the end of the day, you want the challenge to be resolved. So, you need someone who is goal-oriented, and who can take a hit. Just because you told her she looks exactly like her father (mustache included) doesn’t mean you love her any less. So what if she tells him he smells like an unwashed gym? If at the end of the day the hatchet is buried, then all is fair in love and war.
You will be spending the rest of your life with that person. Well… ten to 15 years if we’re being realistic. The last thing you need is to be stuck with someone who cannot get through a good verbal exchange without tagging their mother. Or someone who makes a superlist of your flaws and throws them at you like darts when you disagree. Or even worse, someone who starts arguments with “Me I just think it’s funny how…”.
Look for a pretty face, definitely. Brains are usually good, too. Dangerous curves, sturdy hips… all well and good. Broad shoulders, sure. But more than anything else, look for someone who can argue like an adult. Otherwise your marriage will turn you into a 30-year-old philosopher.
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